Rocco Report, Austria

Ok Ok Ok, who got to hang out in some hott Austrian girls tits? Rocco did. That’s fucking right. Of course, a gentleman can’t really discuss this type of issue, but let’s just say I had a hell of a lot more fun with Ms. Austria here, than I do with “manic is the new sleep”.

All and all, Austria was entertaining, but mainly because “manic is the new sleep” and CD are idiots. Being aware that the energy drink red bull is made in Austria, the two of them set out to find the factory. They had a genius strategy too – fucking wander around Salzburg by foot until they just stumble upon the factory. Well joke is on those two idiots, the factory isn’t even in Salzburg, it’s in some town half an hour away. So what did those two manage to find? Some stupid building that had the little red bull emblem on it and was owned by red bull inc – that’s it. One of the employees of this building thought that “manic’s” and CD’s stupidity was so entertaining, that he actually gave the two of them free red bull.

Now, the failure to find the red bull factory was actually outdone by meeting up with MM to go rock climbing. Now with all three of the boys teemed up you would think at least one of them would be bright enough to realize that it was too dark to go climbing before they left, but fucking none of them figured it out until they had hiked up, harnessed in, and set up the ropes, at which point one of the genius’s said “uhh its pretty dark, we should pack up”. They didn’t climb a single rock that day. Idiots.

We won’t even discuss the failed attempt to go horseback riding or hiking…

We also saw a stupid American tourist. She was hanging out in the wicked touristy part of town looking for Sound of Music paraphernalia speaking quick English to the Austrian shop attendant. When the salesclerk asked her to repeat what she said, she said the same thing just as quickly, but this time 4x as loud. Good job asshole. At least you are doing a good job of fostering the incredible cultural understanding your fearless president demands of both himself and the country.

And as for Austrians and Austria – well they all want to be German wicked bad. They do all the same things Germans do (which for our uncultured readers is: eat sausage, drink beer, and speak a barbaric sounding language) except in Austria. Keep trying little Austria, one day with enough beer, sausage, and large breasted women, you too can become German!

-Rocco